I wanna bring you to show and tell
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
