I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
