Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
