Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
