I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
