It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
thus making me awesome and them whores
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We talked him into tasing himself.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
