Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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