one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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