so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So many bounce houses so little time
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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