just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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