i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
where does the pee come out of this thing
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
