I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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