i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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