i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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