he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
