On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
