Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
