Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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