Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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