Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
