I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
why is half of my head shaved?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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