so let's talk penis.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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