I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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