I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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