chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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