got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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