the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
