Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
