So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
