If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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