If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
