I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
ttyl tear gas
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
