Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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