well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
