ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Pants are for mortals
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
