i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
