I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
