dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
