I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
