While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
