If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
