"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
