I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
