so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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