can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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