The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
