Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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