I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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