I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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