She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm passing your future prison.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
